No, I'm not going to review the movie about Mark Zuckerburg, or critique the new Twitter, or complain about how FourSquare is an invasion of privacy. Before we went crazy for social networking applications, we had real friends, we had phone numbers and address books, and we heard about news face-to-face (or through the grapevine, a saying that will mean nothing to the teenagers I used to teach). Living in a foreign country, I admit I log on to Facebook several times a day to keep up with friends across the globe and to make plans with ones down the street, but the ones I really love and who I miss most in my life I make an effort to talk to now and then on Skype or Google Voice (okay, they're still internet-based, but they're at least a little more personal like the old-fashioned telephone).
If I were to map out all my social connections (I've done it), it would look like a confusing, spider-webby mess. Here in Chile alone I have friends I've made through work, capoeira, those I've been introduced to by mutual friends from the US, those I've met through friends here, and those who I met the previous time I came here. But compared to my social network at home, this messy spider web has just a few spindly branches, mostly which cluster around fellow gringos. When you live in a foreign country, you tend to hang out with other people like yourself. Despite my wishes to get to know Chilean culture and to be welcomed with open arms into a group of local friends, it's just a lot easier to make friends with people who share a language and a culture. And when you're far from home, you tend to cling to the familiar.
The problem with this tendency is that just because you share a language and a culture with someone doesn't mean you share a personality, or goals, or a sense of humor, or interests, or...well, you get the idea. You push yourself into a group of people whom you may never have been friends with in a different context, say, at home in the US. The situation is what bonds you, and sometimes, that's just not enough to sustain a true friendship. Inevitably, conflicts arise. I'm a pretty easy-going person, but even I have occasional spats with my gringo friends here in Chile. We patch it up, either because we want to or because we have to in order to maintain our compatriotic friendship. When you're in that spat, the lack of big, bushy branches in your social network web that you had back home make severing any ties extra difficult. In case the analogy doesn't click, basically when you have tons of friends because you've been living in a place for years, it's easy to let go of people who make you mad, but when you don't have tons of friends because you've only been living somewhere a short time and it's difficult because of linguistic and cultural barriers to meet people, it's a lot more difficult to cut people out of your life.
And when times are tough, who do you turn to for support? Family and friends. When I was living in Baltimore there was a night when I felt bad and had to get out of my apartment at 2 am. I had 4 friends who I knew I could call and would give me a place to crash for the night (only one woke up at the sound of her phone ringing). It was comforting to know that I had people to count on when I needed help, at any hour of the night. Here in Chile, although I know I could call my family and friends on Skype at any time of night, I don't really have anywhere to go if I needed to get away. And when you fight with your friends, who are also your roommates, who are also your co-workers, you realize how interconnected and small your social circle is. Breaking bonds with these people means ostracism at work, at home, and in your social life. If you need to get away for a while, you can't go stay at your parents' house for the weekend. You can't skip town to cool off because you can't afford to travel and you don't have anywhere to go. It makes it all the more essential to maintain those friendships, yet because they're based on circumstances and not true shared interests, maintaining them can be extra difficult.
So while I love my friends here, and we are all on good terms, having fought with them in the past made me realize that being in a foreign county can be volatile. Your highs are extra high because you're traveling, which makes everything more exciting. A hot dog in Chile somehow tastes so much better than in the US, a beer is more refreshing, overcoming challenges is more rewarding. But when you have lows, they are extra low because you don't have the bushy, comforting branches of your network of family and friends to rely on for support. When small setbacks happen, they can seem gargantuan hurdles because you have to face them alone. So even though my Facebook says I have 605 friends, there are days when I feel like I'm starting from zero. On those days, I remember how we talked to each other before the internet took over our social lives, and I pick up the headset, type in a phone number, and call someone I know will answer the phone. Even though my friends and family are far away, I know I can count on them because we're connected by more than just the stamp on our passports.
